Does software piracy count?

Ah who am I kidding, of course it doesn’t.

When I went to malls as a teenager I would often get stopped and searched as if I was shoplifting. Was over 6’ at 16 and often wore hoodies. When I started getting into cross-dressing I was too ashamed to go through checkout with it. So I dressed in nicer clothes then hoodie and jeans, and shoplifted women’s clothing from every clothing store that ever stopped and searched me incorrectly previously. Part shame part revenge part kink.

In first grade? There was this little Hot Wheels style car that could transform into a robot man. I loved that little thing. Top favorite toy in the classroom.

Took it home one day. I was too afraid to play with it, so I just stuffed it into the box with the other toy cars. I was also too afraid to return it after a while. I still have it, and the guilt over taking this thing lives rent-free in my head.

It was a red and green plastic pencil sharpener shaped like a dachshund. You stuck your pencil in his butt. I stole it from a desk in Sunday School. I stole from God.

Breakroom at my father’s office had snack and soda vending machines, and also a change machine. My younger brother and I discovered the change machine was faulty, and would dispense way too much change for a dollar bill. We fed it every single we had (4 or 5 dollars between us) and got back $20 or so in quarters, nickels and dimes. This was in the late 1970s. $20 was a lot of money, especially to a couple of dumb kids. We thought we’d hit the jackpot.

A newspaper.

Did not know it was stealing… I was … maybe 7?

Up until that point in my life, I’d only ever been to stores or restaurants that had free flyers or small community newsletters.

First time I was in a similar small store, I assumed full, 30+ page newspapers worked the same way.

After being informed that full newspapers cost money, and I had stolen it, I returned it.

The store clerk did not even realize I had taken the paper, laughed, appreciated my honesty, and gave me a tootsie pop.

I nicked a LEGO winch brick from primary school and my gran made me take it back. Not a criminal mastermind.

Some loose change from my dad to buy lunch at school.

I stole so many books as a kid. The library didn’t have books on Wicca and Paganism so I stole them from Waldenbooks.

In 5th grade I discovered that my hand and wrist were small enough to reach up into 25 cent bathroom pad and tampon dispensers. I didn’t really understand what they were for but I thought it was funny to empty them out whenever I saw them.

In my teens, I stole some CDs. This was pre-napster. I didn’t have money to spend bit it’s hard to deny the importance of music to people, especially in those formative years. I only took 2 maybe 3 total, because the guilt of taking it a CD each time wasn’t worth it.

To give you an idea of how much guilt, I don’t like people offering me food… Because it was theirs and now it’s not. The fact they offered it means nothing. (Of course, the reverse isn’t true)

I used to put things in my vest pocket when I worked at Walmart and “accidentally” take them home. I was a twenty-something but I fucking hated that place and felt like I deserved more.

The first thing was probably a set of earrings when I was a really little guy. I handed them to my mom when we got home and she was shocked at what a smooth swipe I pulled and we immediately went back to return them. So much for my thoughtful gift! Hahaha.

I also recall this thing at my very conserva-religious elementary school, where people set up a little market selling things as gifts and such. I was given some money to go buy presents for people, but nobody told me how to pay for anything, and I assumed it was like a big box store where you pay at the end.

So here I am like, what, 6 or 7 maybe? Going from table to table and just yoinking knick-knacks into my little bag. Nobody stopped me or otherwise corrected me. I still don’t see anywhere to “check out”! I end up just leaving, basically.

Cut to me waiting in the lunch line and just getting straight up shaken down and accosted for cash by some authoritarian staff types. I just handed them the bag of spending money I’d been supplied with and I don’t really remember what happened after that. Looking back though, those people were very mean to a confused child under 10, treating me like some deliberate criminal mastermind of petty-thievery lol.

My mom’s heart.

I remember stealing small toys from dentists and pediatricians when I was little. Like, you were allowed to pick one toy after the appointment and I took two or something?

Unfortunately, I’ve also stolen from friends of mine. I was around 7 or 8 and wanted a Tamagotchi real bad but couldn’t afford one because I didn’t have/get any allowance and my parents couldn’t just buy me one since we were tight on money growing up. Ff to us visiting friends and I notice 15€ on my friend’s night desk which I just stashed.

Same day, I go to my mother, all proud, and proclaim “Look, I only need another 5€ to get a Tamagotchi!” When she asked where I’d gotten the money from, I confessed, realised what I did was stupid, and apologised to his mother over the phone. I remember crying real bad and promising I’d never do something like that ever again; she was really cool about it and wasn’t angry at all which was nice. Felt awful regardless.

I did end up getting a Tamagotchi for my birthday so yay?