I’m a middle aged heterosexual man and I’ve been in various circles in my life where I’ve had lesbian friends and acquaintances. I was just thinking how much I’ve appreciated those interactions and how I currently miss having lesbians around me. Not because we stopped being friends, mind you, but due to my dynamic life and me being shit at staying in touch I’ve floated away from people that I appreciate.
Anyway, then I started thinking why is that? Am I fetishizing lesbians, craving what I can’t get etc? I like women who are confident so is it a sexual or psychosexual thing? It made me a bit worried because that does not sound very nice, Freud and mothers and all that jazz… But then I realized that this is not why.
It’s because they don’t act and treat me like a man, like a male person, like a sexuality - but that for them I’m 100% a person. If I’m entertaining or funny or interesting, it’s because I am entertaining or funny or interesting. No interference from deep rooted primate reproductive brain behaviour, and at the rare occasion it’s popped up, it’s something we can play off and dismiss.
Even though I have and always had women friends, it’s a different thing. Regardless our relationship, I’m always a man. It’s inescapable. My friendships with lesbians have always had this special vibe. It’s like what I’d imagine a good sibling be like, but I wouldn’t know because I’m a lone child.
Yeah, I miss that vibe.
Edit: thanks autocorrect
I imagine it’s similar with gay men that join women’s social circles.
Yeah, and probably with the more stereotypical common “fag hag” (is that offensive nowadays? the ones I’ve know have used the terminology on themselves back in the day), straight women that hang around with gay guys.
Fag Hag is approved, continue with your fabulous self
<3 thanks
Is there the other version for straight men with lesbian friends, ie OP?
Fag Hag, as I understand it, is the term for women that predominantly seek out and integrate with a crowd of gay men to party with. Being straight and having one or a few gay friends doesn’t make anyone anything.
Thank you for putting this into words. I have come to realise the same thing over the years but have never been able to properly verbalise it!
I’m a heterosexual male. My sister is a lesbian, and through her, I was introduced to many lesbian (and gay) friends from a young age. And since then, I’ve often had lesbisn friends or acquaintances, and I’ve always found that I get on so much better with lesbians than straight women.
I feel with most lesbian women that I’m in the company of another man. It’s so much easier to talk to them, without the background hum of sexuality that seems to come from interactions with straight women. I’m not blaming women for this, btw. I think it’s just a male brain thing for me, but there is certainly some extra element when interacting with straight women that is absent around lesbians and that absence allows me to relax more and just be myself.
I think all people are affected by their sexuality, regardless how proper and civilized we are. It’s that mammalian thingymajingy we just can’t escape, none of us. From what I’ve read even asexuals are at times struggling with their libido pulling strings from the back of their brain.
Ha! I have a similar feeling. I thought I was the only one. I feel like lesbians understand part of the male experience better than straight women so it’s easier to relate with them, there is less stereotyping or judging for me being a man or that awkward male/female dynamic.
Of course it comes down to the individuals but those are my treasured personal recollections with the lesbian women I’ve been closer friends with. A special open and relaxed vibe that different from the special vibes I have with other friends. Even with my best female friends that we’d never smash our genitals together, regardless we have in the past or not, the sexual part in the back of the brain is always there even when the frontal lobe says nope. We don’t just don’t have the same mutual chill.
The reverse has been true and openly discussed for ages, there’s a reason the “sassy gay best friend” is such a trope in shows and movies made for female viewers. A decent percentage of our conversations with friends has to do with our attraction to or problems with our desired gender, so being able to commiserate with someone that has the same preferences also encourages these friendships. There’s just an extra layer of relatability that hetero mixed gender friendships don’t. It would be odd to point at a stranger while out with a heterosexual female friend and say “look at that chick, isn’t she hot?” Your friend could potentially think you’re trying to say that if she were more like that chick then maybe you’d want to date her. Even saying something like “women are crazy” has a very different tone when said by a man to a straight woman.
I’m a straight man and I’d also be deeply uncomfortable if a friend of mine just randomly asked me if a random woman passing by is hot. It’s a weird thing to randomly ask.
I’d be even more uncomfortable with ANYONE(including women) saying something as generalized as “women are crazy”. Screw the “different tone” BS, there is NO tone you can say that in with a straight face where it’s not at least a little misogynistic, and a LOT of tones you can say it in where it is SUPER misogynistic.
You’re deeply uncomfortable with other men being open about attraction banter with you? To each their own, but it’s not necessarily a virtue.
On a related topic, where the hell did the lesbians go? I feel like they just vanished. I miss them too 😞
Don’t open that can, it’s full of worms. Trust me.
Now I’m curious. Spill the worms, would ya?
🪱 🪱 🪱
Thanks jerk now there are worms everywhere 🪱 🪱🪱 🪱🪱🪱 🪱🪱
Aw shit not the worms 🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱
I don’t actually know the answer, but I couldn’t resist digging at least just a little bit. My gut tells me that it’s probably related to rad fem in some way, like with gold star lesbians etc and that somehow trans people are involved.
The only thing I could really find was the term “bi lesbian” which is just a way to invalidate the identity of multiple groups of people at once.
I think maybe some people might be uncomfortable identifying as a label of lesbian, and there are other ways to express this, like wlw. Also for some, lesbian still carries a stigma or implies a connection to porn. Maybe that just means we should work on reclaiming it though, instead of shunning the label
Wow, this got me curious and led to some internet searches. I hadn’t realized identifying as “lesbian” was “problematic” in some circles these days 🤯
I think they didn’t go anywhere, they just became a normal part of society, so you don’t notice them.
I think there a few around.
One of my most treasured things about my friendship with one lesbian friend is her amazing abbreviations… You don’t get invited to go snorkelling, you get asked “Anyone keen for a snork?”
Well I have a shirt for you:
At least include a link to the shirt!
You’re right. Dunno why I didn’t. Thanks.
One friend of mine is lasbian and I cannot appreciate enough the lack of sexual tension between us, which otherwise makes me wary of my behaviour with other female friends.
With her I can act as I feel. By the way, most of the women I have had a crush on in my life (I am 24) turned out to be lesbian or “almost”, which represent 5-10% of all women.
Thanks for sharing. Always interesting to hear someone else’s inner thoughts and realisations.
Platonic relationships.
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I hate to say it, but I think you’re massively overgeneralizing, if not actually stereotyping lesbians. Of course some gay women are going to treat you differently based on their sexual orientation (just like some straight women), but I have a hard time believing most people do this. Myself and the vast majority of the people I know don’t.
It’s because they don’t act and treat me like a man, like a male person, like a sexuality - but that for them I’m 100% a person.
So… What about asexual women? The elderly? Prepubescent? trans women? I bet cis, gay, adult women aren’t the only ones treating you differently. Obviously I don’t know you, but I bet you’re treating women you have no chance of having sex with differently—perhaps subconsciously. I genuinely believe if you woke up tomorrow and forgot that sexual orientation was a thing, you’d treat everyone the same and this difference would disappear. But that’s just my 2 cents…
Well, my friend. I think on the other hand that you are massively overproblematizing and turning this about something entirely different. You’re taking me sharing a positive insight about me and my friendships and forcing it into something ugly. I think you should maybe ask yourself why this is your reaction. Those are just my 2 cents.
No, OP is right. I had a similar experience. Not all, but I found I can relate to lesbians differently and it’s because they see the world through a different lense. I don’t feel like I’m being judged the same way as I am around straight women.
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What a shitty take
