I have a few.
One is abbreviation hell. Nobody is going to spend the time trying to decipher what you mean when you use over several abbreviations. It is just better if you’d explain than expecting people to understand aside from commonly used abbreviations that are easy to understand.
Another is overstepping your limits for the sake of getting a partner. Compromising your own standards is perhaps one of the worst things you can do when it comes to trying to find dates. Like you’re suddenly okay with dating single parents but you don’t like children. You’re suddenly okay with dating religious people but you’re not religious. Things like that. Because it means you’re desperate and you’re setting yourself up and setting them up for a bad date.
I showed penus. Now there is restraining order.
A friend commented on my wife and I’s attachment style the other day and yeah that’s a big one. I naturally have a disorganized (leaning anxious) attachment style and my wife naturally has an avoidant one. But from the beginning we did the work to reinforce secure attachment thought patterns in ourselves and it’s made a world of difference. So yeah, a lot of people could really use to work on their attachment style
Don’t rush into things. Be friends for awhile first. It establishes more natural connections, and you learn more about the person well before you start doing lascivious things like holding hands.
Being me.
Nah. Marry me.
You fool
- Profiles with no hooks. They’ll have like 3 unremarkable pictures and a bio that says like “I like hanging out”. What is your match supposed to do with this? It’s extra bad if their bio says like “I hate small talk”.
Side note: small talk plays important roles in socializing and is an important skill. Use it to steer the conversation to interesting topics.
- Getting too in their head and bailing for flimsy reasons. Like, if the guy threatened you definitely do not continue. But I had a friend that was like “he was really sweet and lived nearby, but his hair was browner than his photos and I just wanted blonde”. Like what. That is not a good reason to bail.
No one’s going to be perfect. People are going to be nervous on a first date. Give them a chance.
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Conversely, sticking with a relationship too long. Contrary to the above, sometimes you really should call it. If the guy isn’t treating you with respect, you don’t have to keep going. If you realize you never look forward to seeing them, you should probably end it.
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Chatting too long before meeting. You’re not a real person to them when you’re just over text. You’re missing body language and tone. You want to meet in person quickly.
The general flow for me is like
- Initial message. Hopefully ask something about their profile
- if they respond well, maybe another couple follow up questions.
- clear any deal breakers. Eg: if you have a kid, ask “hey I just wanted to check you saw on my profile I have a toddler. Are you okay with that?”
- ask if they want to have a date in person to see if you get along
- schedule the date
- go on the date
If the online chat ends and you haven’t scheduled a date, but you want to, that’s bad. You don’t want to be having a second “hey what’s up?” tinder chat.
- related to the above: dead ending the chat. Don’t do that. Like, let’s pretend your profile says you love dragon age. They message you with “I’ve been a dragon age fan since origins! Did you play Veilguard yet? I’m thinking of starting it this weekend”. You respond with "I haven’t played it yet ". What the fuck kind of garbage reply is that? What is the other person supposed to do with that? They essentially have to send you another first message. Good first messages are hard! Give them something to work with. “I haven’t played it yet, but I loved origins! Always played mage. What was your favorite origin?” You almost always want to ask a question.
If this doesn’t come naturally to you , that’s fine. Just remember with your brain “always ask a question”. You need to give them something to work with.
- Don’t non sequitur into sexual details. Sorry, but them’s the norms. Like, a friend was chatting with a match about Star Trek and the guy out of the blue was like “so do you like anal?”. Unmatched.
And a last thought that ended up stranded at the bottom of this post, and I’m writing on my phone so editing is hard:
“But what about people who want to take it slow?” Do you want to date someone who doesn’t want to date? I don’t.
edit: minor error from autocorrect
the guy out of the blue was like “so do you like anal?”
What 😭
This one should be obvious
Trying to be too serious too quick. You’ve gotta let the dopamine rush of the possibilities wear off before truly knowing if the person is a good fit.
Ooh, new relationship energy can be intoxicating. Then once it wears off the other person loses their gloss and you realize they don’t like dogs and chew too loudly.
This is a big one that I honestly still struggle with sometimes. I was on the opposite end of it for the first time earlier this year though.
The biggest mistake I see is that people don’t ever mix with people anymore.
Honestly the biggest single question I would ask if I wanted to bet how likely someone gets a partner would be “how often do you leave your house outside of work and grocery shopping” Do stuff. Dating apps try to bring single folk to you but you’ll have far more fun just… doing stuff. Doesn’t matter if you go alone or with a group, it’s usually more fun than just browsing the internet.
Go to a car show, go to an anime/scifi/star trek/furry convention, go to a craft fair, go to a bar and sit at the counter, find some way to have fun in public. Don’t even bother trying to hunt down a partner, just have fun in a public setting. If you find ways to have fun in public, you start going out in public more. You do that, you start meeting potential partners by accident. Not only that:
- You start learning social skills
Being surrounded by strangers means you can do a faux pas and nobody will remember it was you a week from now. They’re strangers, they remember the story but not the person. A group of strangers can be oddly freeing, you can say no to them and never see them again. If they judge you you’ll probably never see them again.
- You start learning about your area
I learned Minneapolis has a fire breathing co-op so you can learn to juggle flames, a 501st legion of starwars cosplayers that can bring the empire to any event, a working ecto 1 that sometimes prowls the streets and has a youtube series.
- You start becoming more interesting.
Did you click the links? You see what I mean? Now this is an interesting post. You now have things to talk about, about the land around you to whoever you’re talking to. It also provides two really great topics to talk about. “what have you found around here?” “what have I found around here?” Is there another event? A club or bar that is just bizarre? A sport or game you’ve never heard of. Apparently Minnesota’s roller derby team is amazing, still haven’t found the time to watch a game, but if you can find one, why not try there?
Seriously just… do something. Find an event. If you think it’s stupid then try to verify if it’s stupid. (never was interested in cars, but it was free. Turns out the car show had the ecto 1, and the adam west batmobile. My hypothesis was proven wrong) Instead of scrolling through lemmy or facebook, wander around an event and watch and listen. If you see a booth, ask about it.
I found that I could keep things interesting to me by basically playing a scavenger hunt with events. Go to an event and find your next event at the event you’re at. An event can be anything from a party, a convention, to a place that’s just plain interesting. It also really got people interested. Whenever I brought up my quest “find an event at this event”, people loved the idea and would often try to help. Heck, sometimes they’d even tag along at the next one.
I think your assessment of the issue is accurate. People don’t go out and do things like they did before the pre cellphone and internet age.
But for me…for the life of me if I go out and do stuff on my own, I cannot interact with strangers. It’s uncomfortable, unpleasant, and I don’t get anything out of it. I don’t know how that’s supposed to magically swing the other direction.
Hell, even with people I like and know well… interacting with them outside of our “normal” routine is uncomfortable and unpleasant for me. Over the years, I’ve befriended someone at work and feel comfortable there. But for the life of me, I cannot gain the same level of comfort and satisfaction hanging out outside of work.
I’ve had a sister in law for years and years now. Despite this, I do not have the inability to interact with her. It is uncomfortable, unlessant, and I do not get anything out of it. It’s not her fault…she’s a very nice person. But I just absolutely cannot ever gain comfort around people in certain (read: many) types of scenarios. I am comfortable around my parents and that’s it. No matter how often I spend with other people.
Exposing myself repeatedly to these scenarios has not ever helped or made any sort of difference.
I would always suggest never force yourself to interact with people. I’m just saying be adjacent. You don’t have to force yourself to interact with people. Just at least be around them.
Forcing yourself to interact with a person for no other reason than interaction is ALWAYS awkward. It takes skill to plow through the awkwardness. Speed dating, speed friending, date auctions, are always awkward for this reason. Small talk can be difficult but if you treat someone more like google asking a question you actually care about. It’s a lot less awkward. People like to be experts, and treated as such.
It’s why I say just, wander. It’s alright not speaking to anybody for hours at an event. Walk through it like you would a forest. Take in the sights and sounds. Try to find something truly interesting.
I go out and do stuff for me. I’m perfectly comfortable with wandering around and looking at things without ever interacting with everyone besides thanking the person behind the register after buying something. I’ve had social anxiety for so long that it’s become a normal thing for me now to not expect any interaction with anyone. And, because of this, no one wants to talk to the quiet person who is scared to look at you in the eye. They might think I’m just being rude or something but in reality I’m avoiding a potential interaction that scares me. So, speaking to what this person said about going out and doing stuff I can relate. Going out in public doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll interact with people. You can be alone even when surrounded by people.
Not sure whether it’s a mistake or not, but when I see people being so negative on their profile, I skip. It’s fine to announce your intentions (eg, looking forward a commitment, not looking for a situationship), but if your profile is mainly a list of don’t’s, then that to me screams you’ve still got issues to work through.
Another one are the people who either don’t fill out a profile, or say something trite like “if you want to know, ask”. That makes me think you’re lazy, and expect the other person to do all the work. If you can’t be bothered even a little, then I can’t be bothered even a little.
It’s sad to see people who want a bad boy/girl and just end up in a toxic relationship. It’s possible to find someone who is badass AND willing to treat you with respect, but they are not common. It takes way too long for people to realize that the gentler person is going to lead to a better relationship in the long run.
One might argue that the most badass thing someone can do in a relationship is treating your partner with love and respect.
WHICH IS WHY WE TREAT MOXXIE NICE
AND EXPLOSIONS!!!
I think you’re missing the point. They’re not looking for a badass. They’re looking for someone broken that they can attempt to fix.
I think it’s a lot of things. I’ve seen people looking for a badass, I’ve seen people looking for a project, and I’ve seen a lot of people looking to self harm by finding someone who treats them like they feel they deserve often seeking people who will tell them the same things their parents did
I don’t know why you think that religious and non-religious people can’t be together. That very attitude tells me that I would never want to go on a date with you. My wife and I have been in such a marriage for 15 years, we have two children, and it works just fine. In my opinion, the problem is the fanatics; they are the cancer of this world, and when I see that someone is a fanatic, it tells me to run away from them.
Fanatics lend legitimacy to fairweather supporters. Someone in your relationship is compromising their integrity. Is it you?
Every relationship is a compromise. Family, friendship, romantic… Otherwise, you’re just a psychopath.
Maybe its the demisexuality talking but i feel like its not common enough to like just be friends with people first? Like on dating apps people want to immediately jump into a date or something and i think it’d be a lot healthier to just like get to know eachother as friends first then decide if you want to date in a few months. I dont understand the desire to go on a date with someone you just met i guess.
I have never ever ever wanted to “just be friends” first. I am not looking for a new friend. I have friends. I am looking for intimacy that’s not typically available for friends, and sex.
Furthermore, the timeline and transition points for “just friends” to “dating” are not defined. If I want to kiss now but we’re on a “just friends” track, what do I do? Probably pursue someone who wants what I want, and not spin my wheels hoping the other person will come around
Assuming that a profile is enough to understand someone. Sure, don’t waste time/drag out meeting someone but… actually talk (video chat) and ask questions before you move things along.
Ask questions important to you and what you are looking for.
Video chat? Wtf. Have people ever heard of coffee? Very public, fairly short, no commitment. You can even say the no commitment part up front. Just meet, don’t expect anything, and see how it goes.
And what about people several hours apart? Unless you live in a large city, the local pool is shallow.
I have a stupid question.
How do people “see how it goes” and ever have a positive experience? For me, even if the person is friendly and funny, I am so uncomfortable that I never want to do it again. Literally no one has ever felt any different for me. Even if I gain some level of pleasantness and satisfaction from the interaction, it is incredibly mild and doesn’t ever make up for anything or make me wish to continue. I have tried seeing people repeatedly to no avail. The cost-benefit analysis never nets me out on top. I have always been a perpetual loner due in part to this. Does this mean I’m a psychopath or something? Because I cannot connect with and gain satisfaction from humans the way they seem to be able to with each other?
That sounds so atypical as to make me think it may be best to have a conversation with a mental health professional about.
For me there’s an initial discomfort, but it’s the same discomfort I get when I’m exploring somewhere new. Its exciting and fun and I’m figuring out how I feel about this person/place. I get sad when I don’t experience it enough
There are physiological causes of anxiety.
This does not sound like a very common experience.
What is it that makes you uncomfortable? Is it all scenarios? Coffee date? Bar date?
I don’t know really. It’s mostly anything outside of certain scenarios. I am comfortable at work and with my parents. Anything else I am always uncomfortable. My discomfort can range from mild to severe depending on the scenario.
What is the discomfort? Are you afraid something will happen?
You should probably talk to a professional about this. I am not a professional, alas.
That’s just being anti-social, usually from anxiety. If it’s something you’d like to change, it’s probably worth seeing a professional therapist.
I have seen quite a few of those because people say you’re supposed to keep looking if they aren’t helping you. I’ve spoken to maybe 5 different ones at this point. They never have much of substance to say but are very quick to deduct large amounts of money from my bank account. I don’t entirely understand what I am supposed to do to get something out of that. Not sure how many more I’m supposed to see or how much more thousands of dollars I’m supposed to spend before someone actually has any ideas of what to do beyond chatting with me and giving basic cookie cutter advice/platitudes.
I’ve honestly had similar enough chats with ChatGPT for free.
Have you tried a psychologist? They have a lot more experience than a counselor and might have a better chance, but it’ll cost more too. Also they can diagnose things which might make getting the right help easier if it’s something more than just social anxiety that’s getting missed.
