I just had an old friend hit me up to talk after his recent heartbreak. My dog had died my aunty had cancer and I’m at rock bottom with my finances. Haven’t heard from this friend in years. No idea what I was going through.

I realized all my friends from my youth were really shitty. Lack of reciprocal respect and kindness over the decades really dried up my empathy response. I sent him a rap lyric and wished him the best.

From my experience those emotions are wasted on others. This is completely anecdotal but something to reflect on. I get the sense that your friendships were not worth keeping and at this point it probably doesn’t matter whose fault that is.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know it sucks. The truth is, nobody cares about a man’s suffering. There’s something in a man’s weakness that repulses most people. Even people that like you and would love to see you do good. When I went through the same I realized the only people who care are close family, people who can relate and people who have some interest in you. It sucks but you must know it’s not about you.

That being said you have both sides to take into account. Your so-called friends are not your friends and they never were. Period. Erase them from your life. They deserve even less thoughts than your ex. When the chips are down they showed you what they were about. Now you know how worthless they are. Some people are not as lucky and stay in toxic and superficial “friendships” for years and that stops them from finding actual good friends.

And, non withstanding all that, a depressed and sad person is not a good company. It brings you down. And that’s OK because we make sacrifices for the people we love. But if the person is in a vicious cycle of negativity and always complaining to the same person, it gets tiresome pretty fast. I’m not saying it’s your case, it’s just something to keep your mind on. Friends should support you but only you can actually fix yourself. Usually time heals everything but, if it’s not, it’s your responsibility to take care of your mental health (therapist, psychiatrist, etc). There’s only so much a friend can do for you. And don’t put all that weight on one person. Spread it around.

And stop talking crazy about ending it. It hurts. It’s one of the worst pains I ever felt. It’s almost unbearable. But it does get better. And eventually you will feel whole again. It’s a hard road but there is paradise up ahead. But for now you have to walk through hell to reach it. But I promise you, it will be worth every step.

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Yeah that’s a tough one and all too common. As someone with a similar story: it’s not you.

There’s definitely a gender stereotype thing where men aren’t expected to need help, but the other side may be that they don’t know how or when to give help. I know I was certainly clueless until it happened to me. Of course I would do anything to help my buddies if they asked, but it would never occur to me to offer nor even ask. Pretty shitty, I know, but that’s what society expects. I don’t know if your friends were true friends, but is it possible they don’t know what to do?

I’m happy you have a counselor so there’s at least one person there for you. It’ll take time but stick with it. You can do it.

For me I had my kids. I try not to lean on them but definitely still have my life organized around them, so the worst of the divorce may still be ahead of me when they’re in college this fall and it hits me I have no one. It’s also really helped to have my ex’s dog. I warned her she was not in a place to care for a dog but she got one anyway. Works pretty well for me: I’m not home enough to care for a dog, but we effectively have joint custody so I get the dog when I am home. I’ve been somewhat successful starting new hobbies but as an introvert I haven’t been able to turn it into new social connections. Yet.

Hopefully there’s something encouraging in there for you, or at least know that it’s not just you

They’re not friends, they’re acquaintances at best.

I’m sorry this is happening to you, hopefully you can find some better people to put your energy into. If not, Lemmy is a pretty supportive place. Sometimes strangers are nicer than friends.

I too had to completely rebuild my friend network after my divorce. It was and still is to some degree an ongoing issue. I also had support from my mother. All of my close friends either ghosted me or literally took the side of my exw. Seeing people I knew for a decade or more walk away or take the side of my ex was humiliating and hurtful.

My ex was an expert on abuse. She was a counselor and therapist herself. Knew all the tricks.

That was 15 years ago. The first year is hard. After that, it gets better because you will focus on yourself, physically and mentally. And you’ll be careful about future people, friendly but cautious, maybe wary. Try to remember who you were before marriage. The second year will be better, healthier. You’ll still have moments of grief and sadness and loss but you’ll be OK. It’ll give you time to regain ownership over yourself.

In time, you’ll be good, maybe 33M, and thankful you don’t have a cheating abusive person in your life to steal more years from you. You got this.

Those aren’t your friends and never were, good people don’t treat each other like this.

Your ex sounds like my ex, narcisist who is definitely playing victim behind your back.

You’re still young, there’s loads more out there now! I’ve found as I’ve got older the dating aspect of life is better than in my 20s . I dunno what else to say except for there’s loads to live for man.

That sounds really tough and I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling. It’s really good that you have a counselor and you’re talking things through with someone who will help you learn how to advocate for yourself. The people in your life who were ghosting you might be a combination of shitty people and people who are afraid/uncomfortable with your new lifestyle. The only thing that matters now is tending to yourself and building a life that fits and feels right. Lots of good advice on here about finding hobbies that keep you engaged and will support you in finding new friends. If anything I’ll be your friend and check in with you, so hit up my dm’s anytime.

I still remember the look of dawning realization on my little brothers face, when he complained to me of the same lack of support from friends, as he endured a nasty divorce, and I pointed out that he had never once contacted me during my own divorce… People who are in their own marriages, feel threatened and uncomfortable when others are divorcing. People who have never been through a divorce themselves, usually don’t know how to respond. Grief is not something most people train for, or know how to deal with until it happens to them personally, so you may find more support and empathy from older friends or relatives. Don’t forget to look forwards sometimes, too. There is life after divorce, even though it may take a little while to realize it.

Because real life isn’t a movie filled with people standing by to assist the main character in the third act. People are generally shit, and you are the only person who actually cares about you. It sucks to learn this particular lesson in such a brutal way, but it’s an important lesson nonetheless. Move on and make this a footnote in your success story.

Signed, another person with your exact same experience.

Men are taught not to care for each other

My circle of friends before and after my divorce are almost completely different. Only 1 of my college friends stuck around. And my ex straight up moved across country. So it’s not like they were supporting her and not me. I would recommend you do what I did. Pick up a hobby that requires you to interact with other people. I picked up dancing and Dungeons and Dragons. It really helped me build new friendships and restart my life. It really sucks, and it’s extra hard building relationships when you are in your current state, but it does help.

In a variety of ways, people communicate to men, ‘Please don’t need anything from me, because I have nothing to give you.’

You need to find a new circle. Pick up a new hobby with a community. Kung Fu for me was great. Exercise aside, the classmates are supportive and the community is great.
Find one that would work for you

Are you ok? I cant do much for ya but sorry no one has gotten outside themselves enough to see youre hurting.