Hello there, I’m a 21 year old guy from Germany and have very strong depression because of the constant abusive, toxic and manipulative behavior that I received from my parents since I was a kid.
Those strong depression are also the reason why I struggle a lot in life to get anything done by myself and become independent.
I already lived on my own when I was 17 but I failed because of my depression that made me incapable of taking care of myself which is why I moved back to my parents a year ago who only make it way worse for me because they won’t stop hurting me and treating me like a awful person.
I feel so stuck in life and I tried everything from therapy, mental hospital and medications but nothing worked. The burden is just too strong causing me to feel worthless and incapable of living, I have lots of shame, guilt and major anxiety.
It’s like being paralyzed by the fear of life.
My biggest dream always was to get rid of my parents and live independently on my own but I’m just incapable. I wanna get rid of this victim state so bad but I can’t find a way to escape/deal with the hurt.
Is there anything I can do?
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Sounds to me like you could use a good therapist. I know you said you’ve already tried that, but you can try a different therapist if the one you have isn’t working. A good therapist will be able to help you to successfully break away from toxic people (including toxic family members), and also help you to stabilize in your new toxic-person-free life.
Medication can help with the depression, speak to your doctor about what options are available to you.
As for becoming more independent, you need employment that pays enough to cover your bills. If this is not available to you, then think about what you can do to lower your cost of living? Can you move in with a friend? Or get a roommate?
When I first moved out, I rented a house with some people I didn’t know, and ended up becoming lifelong friends with two of them. Renting a room in a house was a better option for me as it was cheaper to do this than to rent an apartment on my own, I got access to more living space (and a backyard-and going outside does wonders for mental health), and because I had roommates who were already set up in the house, the only “stuff” I needed to provide for myself was my own bedroom furniture. It worked really well as an in between step in my own path to independence. Maybe this is also an option for you.
Thanks a lot for these tips I really appreciate that. I wish I had any friend I could talk to but unfortunately I don’t have a single friend. But I’m happy that you had something that worked out for you!
I didn’t know my roommates when I first moved in with them. I found a listing for “roommate wanted” and “student housing” in an area not too far away from the university, far enough that transportation would be needed to get there (meaning much cheaper rent), but still considered to be in the greater general area. I wasn’t a student, but that didn’t matter. And the friends I made when I moved in became my lifeline.
I was in a similar sounding situation to what you’ve described, and I promise you, it will get easier. I doubt things will ever be actually easy, but think about how boring life would be if we didn’t have to struggle a little and get creative, hey? It helps to break down these larger problems into smaller pieces, if possible. They’re more manageable that way.
Do you have anything that you love to do, i.e. a hobby or something that you want to do? I would try to use your energy to focus on that, which can serve as a good distraction from the other problems in life, and, with some income, can help you become independent.
I feel like the burden of living with my parents is so strong that I have no motivation for any hobbies. I gotta move out first but like I said I already tried and failed. It’s like a negative spiral that seems impossible to get out of.
Normally I have lots of hobbies such as working out, jogging, swimming and have many interests including technology, science and social activities. I partly did all that when I wasn’t living with my parents. But currently my state is paralyzing me and preventing me from doing any of that.
Dependent on your member state, look for websites such as this one: https://www.opferschutzportal.nrw/beratungsstellen
My biggest dream always was to get rid of my parents and live independently on my own but I’m just incapable.
Is there anything I can do?
Not while you see yourself as being incapable.
Yea I think I will just give up, I tried so much for so long all for nothing
Yes, obviously that’s the thing to do. /s
I mean I already sort of accepted this reality that there is no hope anymore about a year ago so it’s okay. I just hope my death will arrive soon and I hope life is not indefinitely repeating itself cause that would mean eternal suffer for me
Betreutes wohnen ist hier das Stichwort. Gibt es auch mit eigener Wohnung so das je nachdem wie viel Hilfe du brauchst jemand vorbei kommt. Zusätzlich helfen die auch bei Ämtern oder zb Therapeuten Suche.
Und ansonsten es ist okay wenn man nich alles Schaft und hilfe braucht. Kein Meister ist vom Himmel gefallen und du gehst schon deinen Weg also achte auf dich und übernimm dich nicht sonst geht es oftmals schnell bergab und eventuell weiter runter als zuvor. Spreche aus Erfahrung.
I second this. One can get support renting a place oneself or by means of a “wohngruppe”. Same here in the Netherlands.
Some friends of my son, friends we know for years live this way, having a spacious student like room and get mental / social / medical help, can interact with others in the group if they want to or not. They are clearly better off than at home in their opinion.
I strongly agree that betreues wohnen would be the first big step solving the mental burden from abuse and neglect.
You’re 21, there is still much to be learned and experienced and healed. You have a lot of time to figure yourself and the world out.
Give yourself the time!
I can understand on some level the difficulties you face, I’m not sure if there’s any advice I can give that will translate, but my best is:
You don’t have to have it all figured out by now.
Make mistakes, take chances, be wrong. Give yourself the flexibility and oppertunities to understand what you are and are not. Just trial and error your hobbies, friends, activities, and jobs - eventually you’ll target or even accidentally bump into something that works for you.
It takes a long time to build yourself into something you like. But eventually it does happen, and its rarely into something you predict.
Try finding work from home in your environment, maybe some freelance work. Once you’re able and structured from your work, then you’ll feel more safe about caring about yourself and your life. You’re very young, it’s a young age for giving up on everything. Freelance clients are much more understanding than normal office jobs. Build up your confidence and your independence and you’ll get there.
Lebenshilfe, betreutes Wohnen vlt. eine Option für dich?
Suche dir eine Tagesstätte, die dir eine Struktur bringt. Sei nicht zu hart zu dir und feier auch kleine Erfolge.
Ich hatte bereits in sämtlichen Einrichtungen wie Pflegefamielie, Klinik, Kinderheim und Verselbständigungseinrichtung gelebt aber es hat alles leider nichts gebracht. Vielleicht finde ich irgendwann noch etwas hilfreiches
There’s some good advice from other people, especially about continuing to pursue medication and/or therapy when possible, but in terms of putting distance between you and your parents so you can feel safe, there’s a couple things I think might help.
First off is something other people have mentioned: going on a jog/walk regularly, preferably daily, to give yourself the physical distance from your parents. Making sure you regularly have 15-45mins to yourself every day will help a lot with giving yourself room to mentally and physically be away from them.
Second, finding places other than your room for spending time and relaxing will help a lot too. If you have a local library, a park, a café, anywhere that you can spend a few hours hanging out at, that will help a lot too. I mention cafés and libraries because they usually offer free internet and a calm environment, so you can hang out in a corner and do whatever personal work/fun stuff without being at home. For example, I used to stay at our library after school and do homework, talk with friends, and pass time on the internet. The other upside to these places is seeing new faces more often, plus it can be a chance to meet with friends, or find new friends if you’d like.
I’m not sure what your financial situation is like, but in any case these should be cheap, low-barrier-to-entry options for getting away regularly. I’m also in my 20s and have pretty intense anxiety, so I know first-hand that there’s a way for us, it’s just not as easy as it should be. You’re already doing better than I was: you’re asking questions and seeking help. As long as you keep searching for help and regularly giving yourself the mental/physical space to have some peace, you’ll be alright.
I hope some of this was helpful for you, I hope you’re able to find what you need to get the peace you deserve.
Many people with depression are helped by ayahusca retreats, but if you feel like a total wreck, it may not be the right choice. Ayahuasca let’s you work on yourself through facing your fears.
You can search YouTube for “ayahuasca experience” and see if it may be something for you. If not, I hope you find some other solution. Depression is hell.
Money.
Have you ever tried medicine? You should talk to your doctor about Wellbutrin. It’s anti-depressive but without the negative effects of an SSRI. Also helps with changing your reward system in a positive way
