A sack of potatoes and cat litter.

From my mom who usually shops year round for Christmas to save the hassle of buying at the end of the year.

My siblings got stuff that they wanted and could use and I got… Those two things in a very flimsy laundry basket.

She did not approve of my girlfriend and probably me living with her.

They weren’t even wrapped.

Wooden plaque that had the words “I swear it was clean yesterday.” From my dad.

I’m not one for impractical clutter. And my dad could be very judgemental. Why I would want an ugly handmade plaque that would imply I was messy, lazy, and dishonest about it?

I’ve lucked out and haven’t gotten anything that bad. My mother in law is weirdly obsessed with making sure everyone gets the exact same number of gifts so sometimes I get some truly random junk lol. She got me (or maybe my wife) a Toy Story 3 Pizza Planet branded Pizza… Maker? Idk. Imagine a waffle iron but for pizza. We have an oven. Idk. I guess it’s for college kids in dorms without full kitchens? We just don’t have the counter space for it. It’s sat in the box. Our kitchen is very tiny. We already have a bunch of counter top appliances and don’t have room for another. And why take it out of the box when we have an oven?

I saw a horrible gift get thwarted by a game shop owner who thankfully gave a shit. 40ish year old woman was shopping for her son, “oh Superman 64? Is that a good one?”

Dude didn’t mince words. Told her flat out it was the worst game on the 64

My mother told family I was into geology which I wasn’t, so for my ninth bitrhday I got books about rocks and the hugest fucking hammer.

The hammer felt a little bit cool until I tried it and it was completely useless on the granit which is the only rock in the region, the only thing happening was leaving marks on the stone and shoot mini splinters in the eyes. Totally unuseful for anything else.

Like this but bigger (in my memory, i was only 9), and also cheaper (black head, cheap wood handle):

So one year my sister an I save up for a game cube. We had Kirby air ride, a few controllers, a few Zelda games, we were happy campers.

Christmas rolls around and the first thing I unwrap for christmas? Halo: Combat Evolved.

We’re good sports about it, everybody makes mistakes, second and third gifts? two xbox controllers.

the morning continued, memory cards, some xbox party game, the works.

right at the end, the SOB reveals he won an xbox in a raffle.

happy ending, but god damn that was an awkward Christmas start

My birthday is the 27th of December.

On any given year odds are that my birthday sucked. Growing up it was during holiday break so no bringing cupcakes to school. 2 days after Christmas, care to guess how many kids want to attend a birthday party? Birthday presents were almost always an afterthought combined with Christmas.
I am a huge Star Wars fan so when Carrie Fisher passed away on December 27th, 2016, that was an especially shitty birthday.
There have been uears when my parents have forgotten my birthday entirely.

All that aside, my wife threw me my first and only surprise birthday party for my 40th. It was Star Wars themed including food she made from the Galaxy’s Edge cookbook she had given me for Christmas. That year I got a Kenner power (Gonk) droid still in the original packaging (with Venture price sticker still on it), which my mom had somehow saved since I was a kid. She also gave me all of my old Star Wars action figures she had been saving for me, unknown to me. And I also received an original Rancor and the box it came in from a friend. That one almost made up for all the others before and since. I’ve learned the best way to have a good birthday is to set the lowest of expectations.

My dad won box tickets to the last 49er game at candlestick through some radio contest. All expenses paid, bunch of merch, got to meet some players, whole VIP package. Happened to be that the last game at the stadium was a few days after my birthday and a couple days before Christmas. I even happen to live in the area while he was flying out from Texas.

He got me a card with $20 in it and took his mom, stepdad, and ex wife with him to the game. Killed himself about 8 months later. Thanks pop.

Not me but I was at a New Years Eve white elephant party where everyone brought something they were gifted but didn’t want. Someone who had a relative that owned a video rental store (yeah 90’s) brought a promotional press packet for a Steve Martin/Goldie Hawn movie. B&W glossy photos of the stars, photocopied excerpts of the script, bunch of crap stuffed into a cardboard folder. So basically they gifted their high end junk mail. As for me I got a flamingo costume

I always win this question hands down; my really big asshole NPD of a MIL gave me her very used and threadbare bathrobe as a present. Made a big point of telling me it was hers and she was going to give it to the Catholic thrift shop she volunteered at but then thought it would be a gift for me. It was only fit for the garbage can and had holes in it.

But giving people random trash is a thing she likes to do because she likes to be provocative and “stick poking” in the therapy description. She gave her only grandchild an old vitamin bottle filled with dish soap and a bubble wand she found on the ground in the park. No spending one whole dollar on her only grandchild, oh no, let’s just give her some garbage. And for my BIL who golfed, she walked the public golf course every day and picked up discarded golf tees, chipped and stained and half broken, filled a sandwich bag with them, and that was his present.

She likes to pretend she’s very poor but she’s not, and giving her family literal garbage is her way of trying to provoke a fight because she likes nothing better than to provoke a fight. That’s the only Christmas present she wants is to upset people and make them angry at her.

I have a zillion other horrible stories of her, but you get the gist.

A fucking vacuum cleaner.

As a depressed 16 year old boy I received a self help book from my mother. I was offended. Never opened the book. Like in hindsight I guess she thought I needed help and the book would somehow do that, but all I saw was that my mother thought something was wrong with me.

Cop gave me a speeding ticket for my birthday. I’m counting it as a present because he said, “Happy Birthday” when he gave it to me.

My mom once gave me a cat litter scoop like this one

in my Christmas stocking. This was not, to my knowledge, in the context of a conversation about needing to clean up after the cat more often, but for all I know it was her way of subtly trying to get the point across.

My weird alcoholic grandma that my dad doesn’t really talk to got me a shaving kit when I was 10.