I grew up in a rough household. We had holes punched into the walls, doors torn off the frames, my siblings and I saw regular abuse, and as a kid I constantly felt like I had to do things to keep the family held together.
I felt like I was treated by my parents as a servant. They constantly threw away anything I remotely liked, and continued stacking chores on me, especially those that weren’t my own mess. They gave me the boot shortly before graduation, and long story short, I finally got a place for myself after years of effort.
I just can’t shake this feeling though that things are painfully unfair. Like you escape hell after all these years, and the first thing expected from you is to find a job. I get it, you need to work to make money and pay the rent and bills but… why me? Why after all this time of putting up with the crap you have instead of being a kid are you just expected to step in line like everyone else when you never got that opportunity to find who you are and simply enjoy life for what it is.
I don’t know, is this lazy? It’s not that I don’t want to work, but why can’t I be a kid? Why can’t I have some time to reclaim what all was taken from me and have some time to enjoy myself rather than grasp at random short memories I had before I was 5? Everyone else got it, why not me?
I don’t know, am I just rambling about nothing?
Who said life is fair? Like that place you finally obtained after years of searching? Want to keep it? Probably need money to pay for it. Being bitter about it won’t change that fact so you need to figure out how to accept it and move on to improving your quality of life. Get an education/learn a trade, get a hobby or 2, make friends along the way and get some therapy from a professional to work on your trauma.
Choosing to be miserable instead of facing reality and working with it will only make things worse for you. Your misery will fester and grow. People will sense it and either avoid you or try to take advantage of it. Your past will dictate your future. I don’t think you want that so good luck.
Spot on. We all have our own demons. It’s up to us to overcome them and make a life for ourselves. Life is not fair, some get it better, so e have it worse, but it’s for each of us to conquer ourselves
Life is learning that no one looks out for you, no one is going to swoop in and make it easy. Nobody wants to go to work, but we all do anyway. I’d love to take a year off, but then I’d probably go homeless, so I don’t. I can wish it all I want, but it isn’t going to happen.
So, I could be resentful that others may have it easier, or I can enjoy my days off how I want and put in my time as I go. C’est la vie.
well said!
You can enjoy yourself at any age. What you might be missing is the feeling of being fully cared for and therefore carefree.
I’ve never found a way to replicate that as an adult. If you find it, let me know
But when we tried to get grandma into such a state of being taken care for, it was suddenly considered abuse (by her definition).
No, it’s not wrong. But you’re not allowed to take truly replenishing time off in this capitalist system. It’s not just unfair, it’s unsustainable and it’s on the way to collapsing. Hopefully we can create a better system in the rubble. Until then, don’t let it break you.
Even people who had great childhoods often spend “the other 8 hours” trying to be kids again.
You either gotta do it like the rest of us and find time for enjoyment between work and errand, or find a way to make money off your “adult childhood”. Neither is easy, but you’ve been through a lot, so you’re obviously capable of doing difficult things.
It might help if you schedule time for it. That way, you can say, “On Tuesday, I’m going to do these things I missed out on as a kid from 7 to 9pm”. And then you play. Or whatever.
You need this, and everyone needs it, so don’t feel bad about scheduling it. You’re helping yourself heal.
I didn’t enjoy being a kid at all, but being an adult I do like, don’t mind working because they pay me.
“Everyone else got it” is a stretch.
It does sound like you are carrying a lot of trauma, I don’t want to minimize that, but if you are able bodied, can see and hear and move and think, you are ahead of a lot of people. If you live in a developed nation, you are ahead of a lot of people. I don’t think even a majority of kids get the idealized childhood you think they do.
If you have no kids or obligations - what I did was get a lot of roommates to get living cost low and yeah, did just work a minimal job and hang out for a few years before sort of getting more serious about work. Never did the career ladder thing but did get a good job and I can say with absolute honesty - it got better.
Being the bottom rung is nice because nothing is my responsibility at work., except my own job.
Maybe you might want to try out a different perspective. Because weirdly, being an adult can give you the freedom of being more childlike.
Think of it this way…as a child, no matter what kind of home life you had, abusive or not, you had to go to school for much of the day. As an adult, the same thing applies. Except now you’ll be at work instead of school. So realistically, that part is actually the same if that makes sense. The time each takes out of your day is roughly equivocal.
Ok. So then where does that take us? The time spent during work or school is similar. So now the real differences are going to come outside of work/school.
As a kid, what happened outside of school? Your life was hell. You didn’t get to play and do kid things the way a normal kid does.
Aa an adult, what happens outside of work? Believe it or not, you can do whatever the fuck you want.
That’s right.
Want ice cream for dinner? Fuck it, you’re an an adult and can do what you want. Want to buy some toys and play with them? Fuck it, you’re an adult and can do what you want. Want to climb a tree? Fuck it, you’re an adult and can do what you want.
Use the now to live the childhood you didn’t have. Difference is instead of spending your non play time at school, you’ll just be at work instead, earning your own money to do whatever the fuck you want. :)
Best of luck.
The downside is there is no summer/winter break. I’m at the point that I’m severely burnt out; i have had exactly 1 vacation in the 10 years since i got out of school, and it was a little over a week long several years ago.
My paid time off sits unused because it pays out if i quit or lose my job, and i will need that cash. I desperately could use a solid month off without being penalized for “existing while not outputting labor”, and it most likely just isn’t going to happen.
Something to think about, though of course do whatever makes the most sense for your circumstances: what’s better - maintaining your current pace of work, without meaningful breaks, in a way that only further pushes you into burnout and risks impacting job performance to the point you could be let go for cause. Or, using your PTO, which is part of your compensation package, to take breaks and at least try to get some downtime to mitigate burnout, which generally has a positive impact on job performance and with that reduces the probability of being let go with cause?
Not going to lie and say you couldn’t get blindsided and screwed either way, but with very few exceptions I always think not taking your PTO is a mistake.
Will acknowledge I don’t know your circumstances and don’t mean any offense. If what you’re doing makes sense from a long-term survival perspective, then do what makes sense.
The purpose of school is to get you used to going to a grey building with people you hate every day
Ok, it sounds like you haven’t had the opportunity to process your childhood trauma, and yes, based on what you wrote it is a trauma.
I recommend going to therapy to help you process and sort out your thoughts.
You were robbed, robbed of your childhood, sadly, you can’t change that, but you can change it so that you don’t get robbed off of your adulthood as well.
Pack up and/or get rid of all your stuff and go travel the world. Go discover new places, new people, new cultures. Learn new languages, new skills, new customs. That’s probably the closest experience to being a child again as an adult.
If you can get by without a job, go for it.
Personal opinion here, I think the world is inherently unfair. Fairness is something we give to ourselves and each other, but the world itself only has its natural laws to follow.
If you can find some childhood happiness even as you grow older, you should enjoy it. It is a right we all have or are entitled to demand.
I’d say the typical childhood is a fantasy, not everyone is the same. There’s plenty of suffering and neglect to go around and I’m sure you’ll find plenty of friends here who have gone through similar things.
It’s good to ramble and relieve the pent-up stress once in a while, but also to seek a way of resolving the issues to stop them from reoccurring.
You can have a job and still do the things you think you would have done as a child. It isn’t like 1/3 of childhood days aren’t taken up by school, not even counting homework.
I had so much more time as a young adult than I had in school. Except for summer break I guess.
I understand your thinking. OTOH, if you don’t carry your own weight, you make someone else do it for you, and put them through the same hell you’ve been trying to escape. That’s not fair, either.
If I were you, I would try to take some time off, travel the world on the cheap, and find my feet, maybe even make peace with myself.
Good luck!
Freedom comes at a cost, what you want is for other people to shoulder the burden and take care of you and that’s not an option beyond a certain age, and having someone do that for you also comes at a cost.
Your basic needs will be met either in the military or in prison, but that’s not freedom.
You can get a job and pay for your basic needs on your own, which while also not freedom, is still better than the military or prison. :)
You can enroll in college and have food/shelter taken care of, but if you don’t have a job to pay for it, you’ll bury yourself in debt, paying for your freedom now, with debt chains later.
i come from a similar place, and while I’ve been on my own for 10 years now, the crushing grief of my lost childhood has only intensified. now, the whole country i live in is trying to force me back into the same life i struggled SO HARD to escape
I’m also severely depressed and have a painful disability that i have to work through at a manual labor job. all i want, all i need, is rest. but i will probably die working, and so i grieve for my past as well as my future.
sometimes it feels like i will never truly live, and that’s incredibly painful to deal with. dont listen to people telling you to stop being bitter, i know it isnt like that at all.
try to find an understanding community, as well as a trauma-informed (very important) therapist. you may never get rid of the trauma, but hopefully find ways to cope.
Most people don’t want to work.
